This is not a story to help you figure things out, or even solve your bachelorhood issues. This is just a crippled fairy-tale. Okay. Today, in my Team MafisiThika-Road Branch Whatsapp group, a guy complained about a relationship that lasted for a weekend. They hooked up on a Friday and broke up on Sunday evening. The sex was good and the girl can cook. But she had a wig. There is no was it could have worked.
After receiving the traumatizing news, I typed: May God help us all as we try to meet the right ones. And the right ones, I mean the ones without wigs.
I received 78 Amens in less than four Minutes.
That is now a real prayer. Not the ‘Type Amen if you want to receive this and that’ bullshit I see doing rounds on social media. Prayers must be emotional and honest. Above all, they must be realistic.
I always pray for Fasicially Impaired people. God protect all the bachelors out there who are working hard to make a genuine connection. Protect them from ending with the wrong girl every time- ‘May thy will be done though’- And most importantly prevent them from blowing things up when they finally meet the mother of their children. Amen.
Fisiology is a social disease; we should support team Mafisi through rehabilitation programs, seminars donations, and prayers. The condition emanates from the Social Confusion Syndrome. According to Professor Kan, this happens when people want you to date a few girls before marriage and yet marry a virgin. Such insanity. The same people want you to have safe sex yet buying a condom is worse than getting a roll of weed. The condition is worse than drug addiction.
The syndrome leads to a condition known as Fisically Impaired. People with the condition become overly excited every time anything with a skirt moves around them. I once lived with a Fisically impaired friend. Every time we walked in the neighborhood all women rolled their eyes. What I didn’t know was that my friend was struggling with Acute Fisiology Disorder, which ‘involuntarily ‘made him bring a new girl every day after I left for work. Rumors have it that he was evicted from the premises months after I left. He Fisically talked to the caretaker’s daughter. Got it, right? hehe.
I have also come to realize that Fisically impaired people are not lucky that they get brown girls all the time. Maybe it is God’s favor. Bachelors are the most endangered species in this phony stratification you got going on. A bachelor spends his days in solitude and as a victim. If it is not the bosses, it is the ex-girlfriend. And because it is biblically wrong to let a man suffer in his lonely home, cut some slack for bachelors. If I was born during the times of Jesus, maybe I would have authored one of the Books in the Bible, and I would have hailed “Ell Yee society, thou shall not condemn a young spirit to solitude and loneliness.’’And the whole chapter would talk about why bachelors should be allowed some damn freedom.
The spinster’s trouble begins right before he buy a condom. That is when the society will hook you up and sneer at your ego. So, you get home with a girl from your church- The pastor said you could discuss some stuff and reflect on your salvation. And because this is one of those quick ones, you decide to drop at Carol’s Clinic and grab that pair like a boss. She will make a point of wrapping them in a nice envelope and writing the price on top. Although there is one day she prescribed them,, “Something like 1*2” So I bent over her ears and told her that was an under dose. We both laughed. The problem is not Carol, actually I like Carol, the problem is how I have to whisper into her ear in the lobby just because I want some condoms. Dude! It is not like I want some dynamites.
There is this one day I decided to go against the convention and see what that flabby woman would react. She was standing with Carol at the entrance when I banged in and dropped it like hot Coal. “Hey, Carol, You got some condoms. I need some like right now. .” Then I stopped and said ‘hi’ to her. The plump woman, who could have been looking for some morning pills (For all I care), looked at me like I am the one who invented condoms, pills and coils. She was wondering how I dared speak of that thing in public. A boy with no respect for the ancestors. How do you mention a condom? She rolled her eyes to see me in 3-D.
Thanks God she just wondered because if she asked about it, I would have been … ‘Hey you Woman, mind your own business, the government is spending millions of dollars to create HIV awareness and encourage young people to buy condoms and here you are looking at me like a coronet- Maybe I should have said Tiara . I am not mad at you coz of the dose you came for. Look sister, we are on the same side here. You don’t want to get pregnant and neither do I’ Then a quick breath and I am gone.
On a serious note, that is If we ever get serious on this blog, I find it pathetic when people crucify bachelors because they had sex twice that month. Personally, I do not do sex because I am not married and my mother says no sex before marriage. Lame,Hehe, but a lot of guys in Nairobi do. And I don’t blame them. Sometimes I find it accurate and handier when two people are just hanging out and having sex rather than the stan Love. I find it interesting to find a girl with her priorities in order. A girl who will tell you how interesting you are but she is cautious that if anything should happen, then it would rather be just sex. Not love. Maybe she will fly out in four months’ time and you will not hold her back. Eti, hey Nana, you can’t leave. Whom will I bang? And for the four months, you two can make a memory. That is it, take it or leave it.
When I speak of the social expectations, which are rather stupid and fake, I am not just the merely unemployed person who climbs on his blog even on whiskey, but a sociologist. Yeah, I went to school Dude. The Kenyan society will teach you that everything is evil but being caught is the sin. I might say I love it that way because I rarely get caught. Kenyan folks don’t teach abstinence, they teach buying a condom like you are buying a Russian grenade. They will use family planning pills and still keep it like the secret of the Kingdom. Strange people.
Girls will push you to chemists to buy condoms and the girls selling them will give you the pervert look. When you visit bars, men will tell you to choose wisely while the elderly women will tell you to stick to one girl. And when you marry the wrong girl, the laugh at you. That is why, when a single lady tries to hit on me, I remain as open minded as I can. In the end, it is a matter of choices and I am careless tourist here, I will probably never remember all the places I have been.
I told you, this was not gonna help with your bills. It is just a crippled Tale about a spinster.